|
brokensugarpot
|
read my profile
sign my guestbook
Name: shannon
Country: United States
State: Minnesota
Metro: St. Paul
Gender: Female
Interests: changing me.
knowing Christ. music, anime, some television, cats, coffeeshops, ddr, doris day, drawing/painting, dreams, enter the worship circle, hello kitty, henrik ibsen, holistic nutrition, israel, jane austen novels, japan, jpop, judaism, knitting, lemony snicket, natural beauty, passover, poetry, reading, rob thomas, sean hannity, tea, teen mania, texas, thriftstores, vineyard.
Message: message meEmail: email me
Website: visit my website
AIM:  underbridges82
Member Since:
10/17/2003
|
|
| an update. about half and hour after i wrote the last post, probably less than that, life got better. my friend called and asked if i wanted to go to church, and then at church i met a couple of other girls and had some good talks with them. and to sum it all up, i've been pretty busy since then, hanging out with people, talking on the phone and just being 24. even my best friend in california called me. and i realized that the friendship with my guy best friend isn't over. but if it was over, it wouldn't be the end of the world. so i'm gonna try to focus more on my friendships here and kinda ignore that one with him for a while. if i cant push him away with my words i can do the distant neglect thing that i've been so good at with so many other people before. | | |
| uhhh.... i may have been wrong. about not being a broken sugar pot anymore. coz i'm sure breaking things in my life right now. i'm sure feeling broken.
my friends are all really distant from me right now. or me from them. my best friend s going through stuff where she doesnt want to talk to anyone. she wont pick up her phone or really talk online. and she's in ca when i'm in mn, so there's not a lot i can do about it.
my friends here in mn, who are christians are... distant like... i dunno. like we're not really friends but acquaintances. they're hanging out more and more with each other and not inviting me and it's getting awkward. i think a lot of it is that i don't have a car. and they kinda act like that makes me really pathetic and useless.
um. sorry?
yeah. my friends at work. they're great. but we're not on the same page coz i'm trying to talk to them about Jesus. and they want to drink and pick up boy customers. or they're significantly older than me so it's not a peer kind of friendship.
um.
i left MN after high school. so when i came back here after my divorce, my remaining friends were old high school friends. most of which are gone now. but the ones who are here, of course again, we're on different pages. too much time has passed. too many differences or something like that.
i wanted to talk to my best friend in ca about my church friends and how i'm feeling like they don't want me around, coz she knows them and would understand. but i haven't seriously talked to her for a couple of months. it just sucks.
at any rate, for the past maybe 6 weeks or longer, i have been really
trying to hold it together because i'm so lonely for connection. and
it's just been getting worse. and i've been acting worse.
and i think i ruined a long-distance friendship because of it. because i don't know how to just sit still and calm down. i'm really upset about it. i have a touch more clarity about the whole thing, and can imagine that in a week or two i'll really know how wrong i was and what i should have done instead.
but the way things ended, the way i ended them, there isn't anything i can say. i have to wait to see if he will ever want to talk to me again.
i don't think he will.
| | |
| I'm retiring this xanga.
New one will be here.
| | |
| I am so unhappy. In my marriage, in my life. I feel so stuck in this unhappiness. There's so many things hurting me.
Jacob's mom--she patronizes and makes rude comments
and spreads my family's private business to her friends. I hate it. I
wish I could be alone--I already feel alone so I don't know why I
had to marry into a family that makes me feel worse.
This is so dumb. I am so unhappy. I watched this couple leave and
return yesterday, after running errands. I was so jealous that I wanted
to be them. I wanted to be dead if I couldn't live like that. Happy and
free. Feeling like I'm really a part of something.
I know I hold on to hurt for too long. What I'd want most is to hear
someone say they're sorry when they break my heart. To have them really
understand how I feel. Just to know that they hurt me. For a while I
thought that I was going to get to be a part of a family. A family that
liked me. And I was so wrong because it turned out they didn't like me
after all. And every time I'm around them... every time I think about
having to see them I just want to die. I feel the looks and
comments--all the ways that I'm not good enough. I'm too shy so I don't
know how to interact with them without making it awkward. I don't do
right by my brother and sister-in-law. I don't call to check in and say
how Jacob is doing. I don't work as hard as Jacob works. Every
time they see me I am uglier than ever. I can't live up to
expectations of anyone. We don't visit enough because of me. And
Chelsea--who isn't even a part of the family, is more a part of the
family than I will ever be.
I know I'm not a good enough wife or daughter-in-law but I am also
really lonely and scared. I feel like when it all comes down to it,
Jacob will really pick them over me. They'd say it's the opposite since
he doesn't visit enough or call enough. But I feel that I've had enough
holidays alone to see that when they ask him, he'll leave me stranded
and alone.
I just don't understand why no one ever welcomed me into their family
and said "I know how scary this must be for you." WHy do they have to
look at everything I do "wrong" and decide it's because I'm rude or
inconsiderate, etc? They won't even realize that their family is
gigantic for what I am used to. I'm tired of being the lame duck. Or
ugly duckling. The idiot who doesn't fit in.
I want a place to be me. And I don't think I'll ever have that. I've
been married for two years and I don't even feel like I am part of a
couple. SO how will we ever be a family. Our holiday season is whatever
his family wants to do--we never have our own traditions. We never
will. I think I will always feel alone in a lonely loveless marriage,
trying to avoid his family in front of whom he would never stick up for
me. I don't matter that much.
I wish I was dead so I wouldn't have to hurt anymore.
| | |
| if i could change something about myself
i would learn how to be a person
who isn't always lonely
a someone who didnt always feel broken
in front of the rest of you
the kind of soul you could know
and think about talking to
i would simply be the kind of person
who isnt scared to be
but if i could change something about myself
i think i would have done it long ago
oh Jesus, sand and smooth me
strip the veneer
i need You more than anything here
| | |
|
